[ Drake takes his own mug, just to have something to hold on to. So he doesn't keep reaching for Sharkface when the other man might not be ready for it. ]
Do you want to talk about whatever hap--
[ It's then that he notices, glancing at how the other man is holding the mug, that there are bruises on his wrists peeking out from under the long sleeves. He wouldn't have noticed if they hadn't come down onto Sharkface's hands, like he was pulling hard to get out of restraints.
Breathe, he tells himself. His grip on the mug goes white, though. ]
Sharkface stares at the mug. Feels the heat seeping into his joints, easing the ache. Pushing it away. He hurts tonight. He didn't in the moment. Things just sort of went numb, except for when they didn't.
He twitches. He tugs his sleeves down. ]
It doesn't matter. It's over.
[ He'll heal. He's not dead. It's his superpower. He always survives. ]
[ Drake feels anger welling up inside him at whoever the fuck hurt Sharkface... it was probably just this place, and there's no one for him to go threaten, but. He forces it down, forces himself to breathe and stay calm on the surface. Keep his voice gentle. ]
It matters to me. You don't have to tell me, but you can. I meant it that you're safe with me.
[ He tilts his head further into the apartment, towards the couch, towards the bedroom. ]
[ He keeps on holding the mug. Watching the steam curl and rise. Then he wonders what would happen if he smashed it against the wall. If he heard it crumble. If it would burn his hands. ]
I -
[ He starts. Stops. The words die in his throat. ]
Yeah.
[ More than anything, he just wants to feel safe. Let it go quiet. ]
[ God, Drake thinks, what the fuck happened? He breathes out slow, then takes his mug and starts crossing back to the bedroom. Blankets sound nice even if they're just sitting. When he gets there he sets his mug down on the nightstand and sits back against the headboard, pulling the blankets up over his legs and holding them up for Sharkface to get in with him. Whether or not they cuddle is up to the other man but he's really hoping that Sharkface will scoot in right against him. He kind of needs to reassure himself the other man is alright, but also acknowledges that this isn't about what he needs. All he can do is be here. ]
[ For lack of a better idea, he takes the mug with him. Mayne he'll drink it, maybe just hold it for a little while longer. He ought to do something beyond staring at nothing, staggering through moments as his mind catches up.
It's hard to focus. He doesn't know why.
He twitches in the threshold, worrying at the sight of the bed and what that might mean, but he breathes out. Remembers himself, that it's Drake. And he sets the mug down on the nightstand and crawls in next to Drake. Presses against him without a word and closes his good eye tight. ]
[ Immediately Drake's arms encircle Sharkface, holding him against his side and stroking his hair. It's okay, he wants to say, nothing's going to hurt you now, but he doesn't know if that's true. Doesn't know anything but he can do this. He can be here, solid and warm and protective. ]
Match my breathing. You're safe.
[ His voice is soft and his breathing steady, even if inside he's a riot of emotion. He can do this. He promised a safe place and he's going to provide it, goddamnit. ]
[ For a moment, he tenses. Caught up in the memories, maybe. He can still taste the salt. Feel it against his skin.
Breathe.
He pulls his wrists to his chest, squeezing one tight in his hand. He's not restrained. He can get loose. He's fine.
Breathe. In and out. Survive, soldier.
He shivers, then does what he's told. Matches his breathing to Drake's as best he can. For a moment, it reminds him a bit of Paradise Falls. The aftermath, when Rodriguez and Eli held him. Promised he was safe and they'd stay with him, they'd protect him, and they did. They had his back. They kept him safe. And even when he woke up screaming, they stayed. They brought him back.
[ For what it's worth, Drake's hold is gentle. It's mostly just the weight of his limbs, not a restrictive grip. Sharkface can pull away whenever he wants, but Drake's hoping he doesn't. He can feel how tense the other man is, and even as he tries to do as he's told he's not relaxing yet. That's okay. It's okay, Drake's not going anywhere. He just holds him, and worries, and runs his fingers gently through Sharkface's slowly drying hair. Wishing he could do anything else to comfort the man.
They just sit like that for a long while, before Drake dares to speak again. ]
I'm sorry I wasn't there.
[ For whatever it was. He's supposed to have Sharkface's back and he wasn't there. The guilt twists sickly in the pit of his stomach. ]
[ The moment stretches on. He breathes, matching the pace to Drake's. In and then out again. Steadying. It happened, and it cannot be changed, and the only thing left to do is survive. You have a job to do, soldier. So get it done.
He keeps his good eye closed, pressed against Drake. This is real. This is now. Not the salt, not the water.
Not the chains. ]
I couldn't get loose.
[ His voice feels strange. Distant. ]
Tried to break my fingers but I couldn't get the angle right.
[ It's not a surprising thing, but it still hits Drake hard. The image of Sharkface chained up somewhere, struggling to get free. He must not have been able to reach one hand with the other.
He swallows, dropping his hand from Sharkface's hair to reach down to where he's gripping his own wrist. He covers the other man's hand with his own, stroking his thumb over the tattoos on his fingers. It's over, but it's not okay. ]
[ Played along? What does that-- oh. There's probably only one thing that means, considering what Duplicity is like. Drake feels sick, his pulse thudding faster as the anger twists in him again. Sharkface wasn't ready for that, and though it's better than drowning it still sparks something fierce and protective in him. And... jealous, maybe? That he'd let someone else touch him like that, even if he didn't actually want it. He shoves that down as an unhelpful emotion, and then the anger, just focusing on keeping his breathing steady for the other man. ]
I'm sorry.
[ He lifts his hand back to Sharkface's head, this time just cradling it against his shoulder with his hand protectively over the implant. It's all he can do now. ]
[ It's strange, he thinks. He ought to be angry. Raging. Anger would be more useful. He could turn it into something. Fuel for the fire, the mission he still has to complete. And yet.
And yet, he can feel himself shaking. Afraid, even though it's over. Even though it was nothing. He didn't drown. He only tore his wrists up. That's nothing, on balance.
Nothing at all.
He shifts, hiding his face against Drake's shoulder. Trying to match his breathing again. ]
[ The situation isn't, it sounds terrifying just in how vulnerable it made him, but needing to fall apart is absolutely understandable. Drake just holds him as he trembles, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. ]
[ Sharkface feels his breath hitch. God, that's pathetic. He can't even keep his cool. This is nothing. He survived. Only some bruises to show for it. That's nothing.
Nothing.
He shifts, curling into Drake, and wraps his arm around the man. He wants to just - stop. Not be here anymore. ]
[ Hopefully it's okay if Drake holds him a little tighter at that, because he is. It's strange... both a relief that Sharkface is seeking contact and more intense worry, because it's not normal. He needs to be comforted and Drake feels at a loss. This isn't enough, it's... it hurts to see someone he cares about so much in this state. ]
What can I do?
[ He asks it softly, a murmur into Sharkface's hair. ]
[ Drake's heartbeat gives him away. It's pounding in his chest despite his steady breathing, his even tone. He's upset, just trying not to make this about him. ]
Yeah... of course, I--
[ Drake breathes out, reaching for composure. ]
It'd be good for them both, he thinks. Because in the aftermath, scared and hurting, Sharkface came to him for comfort. Is accepting it, even if Drake feels like he isn't doing enough right now. That's a huge step for him, and if this sets him back in other ways, they can hold onto this. Work on the rest. ]
I'm sorry it happened, but I'm really glad you came to me. Please stay.
[ Sex, he starts to say. It was just sex, it could have been worse. He could have drowned. He could have died like the sergeant. But the words die in his throat. He swallows hard. Tries to push them away.
He focuses on Drake, as best he can. He can hear Drake's heart pounding, but Drake's voice is steady.
[ Drake hesitates for a moment, not sure how to explain himself. Why he thinks it's a big deal, without making Sharkface more upset. ]
It was something done to you, not something you chose to do. That external pressure, literally 'do this or die,' it takes away your agency. It's wrong. And you're right to be upset about it. Not whoever helped you survive by doing it, just. The fact that it happened. I'm sorry.
[ Maybe it'd be easier if he could blame someone. A person, a target, an enemy he could strike. Instead it's just this place and all the fucked up ways it tries to mess with people. Twist them up. ]
They weren't.
[ He rocks forward. ]
They could have hurt me. Really hurt me. And they didn't. So why does that feel worse?
[ He turns that over in his mind for a moment, then exhales. It makes sense, in the end. Pain he knows. Pain he can use. This is another monster all together.
Hah. ]
I'd rather be alive.
[ It's said softly. ]
I didn't want to die like that for nothing. And I survived. I'm - here, now.
[ His breathing has steadied. This is better, he knows. ]
[ Drake nods against the top of Sharkface's head, thinking that that's a big step too. That he'd rather live than die for nothing, for stubbornness. It's a shitty thing that happened, but he's alive. He made that choice.
His vision is blurry, and when he blinks he finds that he's tearing up. Keep it together, Drake. He doesn't realize that a tear has fallen onto the scarred side of Sharkface's head. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ Drake takes his own mug, just to have something to hold on to. So he doesn't keep reaching for Sharkface when the other man might not be ready for it. ]
Do you want to talk about whatever hap--
[ It's then that he notices, glancing at how the other man is holding the mug, that there are bruises on his wrists peeking out from under the long sleeves. He wouldn't have noticed if they hadn't come down onto Sharkface's hands, like he was pulling hard to get out of restraints.
Breathe, he tells himself. His grip on the mug goes white, though. ]
...are you hurt?
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Sharkface stares at the mug. Feels the heat seeping into his joints, easing the ache. Pushing it away. He hurts tonight. He didn't in the moment. Things just sort of went numb, except for when they didn't.
He twitches. He tugs his sleeves down. ]
It doesn't matter. It's over.
[ He'll heal. He's not dead. It's his superpower. He always survives. ]
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It matters to me. You don't have to tell me, but you can. I meant it that you're safe with me.
[ He tilts his head further into the apartment, towards the couch, towards the bedroom. ]
Do you want to sit? Or lie down?
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I -
[ He starts. Stops. The words die in his throat. ]
Yeah.
[ More than anything, he just wants to feel safe. Let it go quiet. ]
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It's hard to focus. He doesn't know why.
He twitches in the threshold, worrying at the sight of the bed and what that might mean, but he breathes out. Remembers himself, that it's Drake. And he sets the mug down on the nightstand and crawls in next to Drake. Presses against him without a word and closes his good eye tight. ]
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Match my breathing. You're safe.
[ His voice is soft and his breathing steady, even if inside he's a riot of emotion. He can do this. He promised a safe place and he's going to provide it, goddamnit. ]
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Breathe.
He pulls his wrists to his chest, squeezing one tight in his hand. He's not restrained. He can get loose. He's fine.
Breathe. In and out. Survive, soldier.
He shivers, then does what he's told. Matches his breathing to Drake's as best he can. For a moment, it reminds him a bit of Paradise Falls. The aftermath, when Rodriguez and Eli held him. Promised he was safe and they'd stay with him, they'd protect him, and they did. They had his back. They kept him safe. And even when he woke up screaming, they stayed. They brought him back.
Breathe. Just breathe. ]
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They just sit like that for a long while, before Drake dares to speak again. ]
I'm sorry I wasn't there.
[ For whatever it was. He's supposed to have Sharkface's back and he wasn't there. The guilt twists sickly in the pit of his stomach. ]
You can stay as long as you want.
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He keeps his good eye closed, pressed against Drake. This is real. This is now. Not the salt, not the water.
Not the chains. ]
I couldn't get loose.
[ His voice feels strange. Distant. ]
Tried to break my fingers but I couldn't get the angle right.
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He swallows, dropping his hand from Sharkface's hair to reach down to where he's gripping his own wrist. He covers the other man's hand with his own, stroking his thumb over the tattoos on his fingers. It's over, but it's not okay. ]
How'd you get free, then?
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Played along.
[ It wasn't much of a choice. But he could have fought harder. Could have -
Don't. ]
I didn't want to drown.
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I'm sorry.
[ He lifts his hand back to Sharkface's head, this time just cradling it against his shoulder with his hand protectively over the implant. It's all he can do now. ]
You made it through. You survived.
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And yet, he can feel himself shaking. Afraid, even though it's over. Even though it was nothing. He didn't drown. He only tore his wrists up. That's nothing, on balance.
Nothing at all.
He shifts, hiding his face against Drake's shoulder. Trying to match his breathing again. ]
Sorry. Uh. Losing my shit, a little.
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[ The situation isn't, it sounds terrifying just in how vulnerable it made him, but needing to fall apart is absolutely understandable. Drake just holds him as he trembles, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. ]
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Nothing.
He shifts, curling into Drake, and wraps his arm around the man. He wants to just - stop. Not be here anymore. ]
This fucking place.
[ All this bullshit. ]
It got under my skin.
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What can I do?
[ He asks it softly, a murmur into Sharkface's hair. ]
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Can I just. Stay here, for a little while?
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Yeah... of course, I--
[ Drake breathes out, reaching for composure. ]
It'd be good for them both, he thinks. Because in the aftermath, scared and hurting, Sharkface came to him for comfort. Is accepting it, even if Drake feels like he isn't doing enough right now. That's a huge step for him, and if this sets him back in other ways, they can hold onto this. Work on the rest. ]
I'm sorry it happened, but I'm really glad you came to me. Please stay.
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[ Sex, he starts to say. It was just sex, it could have been worse. He could have drowned. He could have died like the sergeant. But the words die in his throat. He swallows hard. Tries to push them away.
He focuses on Drake, as best he can. He can hear Drake's heart pounding, but Drake's voice is steady.
Good, Sharkface thinks. Good, okay. That's real. ]
...thank you.
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[ Drake hesitates for a moment, not sure how to explain himself. Why he thinks it's a big deal, without making Sharkface more upset. ]
It was something done to you, not something you chose to do. That external pressure, literally 'do this or die,' it takes away your agency. It's wrong. And you're right to be upset about it. Not whoever helped you survive by doing it, just. The fact that it happened. I'm sorry.
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They weren't.
[ He rocks forward. ]
They could have hurt me. Really hurt me. And they didn't. So why does that feel worse?
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[ He gives the question the thought it deserves, before speaking again. ]
I think... it's because you know what to do with pain. You know how to endure it, how to respond to it. This is different.
[ Something twists in him again, that it was someone else. That he wasn't there to help. No, he scolds himself, forcing it back down. ]
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Hah. ]
I'd rather be alive.
[ It's said softly. ]
I didn't want to die like that for nothing. And I survived. I'm - here, now.
[ His breathing has steadied. This is better, he knows. ]
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His vision is blurry, and when he blinks he finds that he's tearing up. Keep it together, Drake. He doesn't realize that a tear has fallen onto the scarred side of Sharkface's head. ]
I'm glad you're still here.
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