As soon as they're seated Drake wraps his arm back around Jesus' shoulders, tugging him in close and encouraging him to lean as he settles. And then he's quiet for a long moment, head tipped forward to rest against the other man's as he considers how to respond to that. It feels like a fresh wound he needs to be careful about being gentle with.
"It was never gonna be no, Jesus. More like yes or not yet," he murmurs, "I meant it that I'd still be here for you even if you didn't want to stay with me... I don't think you've got it in you to do the kinda stuff that'd change my feelings. That piece of paper isn't why I love you, it just hurt to think you didn't want it anymore."
"I'm starting to feel like I should be apologizing to you, if I didn't make it obvious enough you deserve the world." Drake props his chin on Jesus' head, snuggling the smaller man against his side. "Tell me what scared you? Help me understand it."
"I always got sent back," he finally says, and Drake is holding up so much of his weight now and it feels safe. Finally safe. "If it was my mom getting arrested again, or a foster family deciding I wasn't right for them... I always got sent away when I'd start thinking I was going to get to stay. So it's easier when I control when I leave."
There's a small, sharp pang at hearing that -- like a shard of glass being stabbed into his chest == despite that logically Drake knows this sort of defense mechanism is so deeply ingrained in Jesus that it's just a part of him. It has nothing to do with whoever he's running from not being good enough; in fact, the more comfortable someone makes him feel the more scared he'll probably be of it. Drake knows this.
But just like the instinct that made Jesus feel like he needed to leave, the sting of it doesn't really care about his rationale. Their childhood traumas are really butting heads at the moment, because Drake hears Jesus say that his told him he wasn't secure... and his wants to make it his fault. If he'd just been better, surely the other man wouldn't have felt the need to run to protect himself.
That's not how it works. Obviously, Drake scolds himself, you're proving that right now. Emotion is practically never logical. And the more important someone is to you, the more of them you have to contend with.
Drake takes a deep breath and lets it out slow, trying to exhale his insecurities with it. He came back. Jesus is right here, and that's more important than the fact that he ran. Maybe this is the first time he's ever come back? Knowing his track record at boyfriends, Drake wouldn't be surprised. His arm tightens protectively around Jesus' shoulders.
"Anybody deciding you're not right for them also isn't right for you, Paul. I'm sorry that's how it was for so long." He's quiet for a moment, long enough it almost seems like he's going to leave it at that, but he doesn't. "I'm never gonna do that. Everybody's a work in progress, but you're not a kid anymore either. If something's not working I'll just-- talk to you. Promise."
"I know you will. I came back because I trust you." He lays his head on Drake's shoulder and breathes in, breathes out. "I know this is hard on you, too. So what can I do right now to make it easier?"
It's not an easy question to answer. Drake is quiet for a moment, not wanting to rush and spit out the first thing he comes up with when he hasn't even unpacked why it's hard on him. Knowing it's reasonable for anyone to still be hurt and actually understanding his personal reasons are different parts of this. At least the lull that falls isn't tense -- snuggled this close Jesus can easily feel that Drake is relaxing further the longer they're sitting together.
"Do you get why?" he finally asks, voice low and carefully gentle. The last thing he wants is to sound accusatory, like he doesn't understand how Jesus is saying he felt or guilting him for not considering the feelings of the guy he was bolting from. That's not how getting scared works, and it's also not even really true. Jesus was worried about him when he left. If he'd been an uncaring jerk about it they wouldn't be talking about this right now in the first place, with a resigned contract in the kitchen.
Drake shifts just enough to press a kiss to Jesus' hair, choosing his words carefully. He's genuinely not angry, but figuring out how to move past this together still feels like a bit of a minefield.
"Nobody's ever come back. And a lot of that's probably 'cuz I couldn't let anyone in for real back home, or be the kind of partner I wanted to be, but there was always this part of me believing it went deeper than that. I wasn't ever gonna be good enough so nobody would want to stay. Obviously that's not true... neither's that only one person ever could, but I think I still hung a lot on you seeming to after I lost him."
Drake does his best to keep from tensing up at that question because Jesus will be able to feel it, but his jaw clenches anyway and he leans into the contact as he tries to relax again. No. Or more accurately, he thinks it in that rational way that doesn't get him all the way to feeling it. And even though he can tell that Jesus is being honest right now...
"I think you have plenty of better options," he answers quietly, "and it's probably gonna take me awhile to get back to not worrying you're gonna decide to go with one of them. Even though I believe you."
Well it's not like Drake is going to complain about a kiss, but a little furrow appears in his brow at what Jesus says next.
"You don't have to keep apologizing, you know. Remember when I said now and then somebody hits a button? It's not on you that the button exists... that doubt was always there from a lifetime of me not being enough for anybody. You being you meant I could ignore it, and you apologized for leaving already." He lifts his hand, cupping Jesus' cheek and making sure the other man is looking him in the eyes. "I don't feel like you let me down. You came back even though you were scared, so stay and we can get past it together."
"Then it's gonna be awhile before I stop reminding you how much more you've done to help than hurt me," Drake tells him, fond but firm. "It's okay, Paul. I just wanted to make sure we understood each other... 'cuz these issues don't mix well. Doesn't mean we can't exist with them, as long as we know."
That's another thing Drake is never going to argue with. He nods, then leans closer to press their foreheads together, his thumb stroking over Jesus' cheek.
"More than okay. I missed you." It's only been a few days so that might seem like an odd statement, but it's not just that Jesus wasn't physically around -- they've gone far longer than that without seeing each other. No, Drake's pretty sure it was the not knowing if he'd ever stay over again. Having to tell himself he couldn't make plans or rely on Jesus being around, because even though he said it was just the contract breaking... well. It was more complicated than that for them both, obviously.
He kisses him again, allowing himself to just feel desperate in it, pulling Drake to him. "I missed you too," he breathes, and kisses him again, deeper.
Not knowing if Drake would let him in the door had killed him. Not knowing if Drake would want to sign with him, not knowing if Drake would ever give him a second chance.
There was a lot of uncertainty on both sides, and Drake was fully expecting some to linger for awhile even after the contract is processed (which he's definitely doing now that they've talked through it) but the way Jesus is kissing him now is more reassuring than anything. Because he can feel the desperation, the certainty, the need to convince him that it was a mistake. He can feel Jesus' guilt and fear in this, and all Drake can do is try to soothe him by responding in kind.
"I'm so glad you came back," he murmurs when they next break apart for air, still clutching Jesus to him. "Was this all a ruse to get me to tie you down again? All you had to do was ask."
Hey now, no fair using that voice when he was just trying to lighten the mood... it does earn him a soft laugh, though, and Drake certainly isn't pushing him away.
"Tempting," he admits, nuzzling back. "I'm kidding, though. You ever actually wanna go, you'll still do what's right for you?"
As relieved as he is that this wasn't it, he'd never try to force or guilt Jesus to stay.
"I will. I promise." He looks at Drake, and needs him to promise the same. "If you ever don't want the contract, if you ever change your mind about me, it's okay, too. I want you to do what's right for you, too."
"Anything? Babe, I wasn't thinking any further than this." He gives Jesus a tighter squeeze for a moment, then lets himself relax back against the couch cushions. "One decision at a time... are we cooking, or ordering in? 'Cuz you're staying right here."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
no subject
"It was never gonna be no, Jesus. More like yes or not yet," he murmurs, "I meant it that I'd still be here for you even if you didn't want to stay with me... I don't think you've got it in you to do the kinda stuff that'd change my feelings. That piece of paper isn't why I love you, it just hurt to think you didn't want it anymore."
no subject
He rests his head in the crook of Drake's neck. "I'm sorry. I really am."
no subject
no subject
no subject
But just like the instinct that made Jesus feel like he needed to leave, the sting of it doesn't really care about his rationale. Their childhood traumas are really butting heads at the moment, because Drake hears Jesus say that his told him he wasn't secure... and his wants to make it his fault. If he'd just been better, surely the other man wouldn't have felt the need to run to protect himself.
That's not how it works. Obviously, Drake scolds himself, you're proving that right now. Emotion is practically never logical. And the more important someone is to you, the more of them you have to contend with.
Drake takes a deep breath and lets it out slow, trying to exhale his insecurities with it. He came back. Jesus is right here, and that's more important than the fact that he ran. Maybe this is the first time he's ever come back? Knowing his track record at boyfriends, Drake wouldn't be surprised. His arm tightens protectively around Jesus' shoulders.
"Anybody deciding you're not right for them also isn't right for you, Paul. I'm sorry that's how it was for so long." He's quiet for a moment, long enough it almost seems like he's going to leave it at that, but he doesn't. "I'm never gonna do that. Everybody's a work in progress, but you're not a kid anymore either. If something's not working I'll just-- talk to you. Promise."
no subject
no subject
"Do you get why?" he finally asks, voice low and carefully gentle. The last thing he wants is to sound accusatory, like he doesn't understand how Jesus is saying he felt or guilting him for not considering the feelings of the guy he was bolting from. That's not how getting scared works, and it's also not even really true. Jesus was worried about him when he left. If he'd been an uncaring jerk about it they wouldn't be talking about this right now in the first place, with a resigned contract in the kitchen.
Drake shifts just enough to press a kiss to Jesus' hair, choosing his words carefully. He's genuinely not angry, but figuring out how to move past this together still feels like a bit of a minefield.
"Nobody's ever come back. And a lot of that's probably 'cuz I couldn't let anyone in for real back home, or be the kind of partner I wanted to be, but there was always this part of me believing it went deeper than that. I wasn't ever gonna be good enough so nobody would want to stay. Obviously that's not true... neither's that only one person ever could, but I think I still hung a lot on you seeming to after I lost him."
no subject
"You don't think you're worth coming back to, do you? But you are. And this is where I want to be. Do you understand that?"
no subject
"I think you have plenty of better options," he answers quietly, "and it's probably gonna take me awhile to get back to not worrying you're gonna decide to go with one of them. Even though I believe you."
no subject
no subject
"You don't have to keep apologizing, you know. Remember when I said now and then somebody hits a button? It's not on you that the button exists... that doubt was always there from a lifetime of me not being enough for anybody. You being you meant I could ignore it, and you apologized for leaving already." He lifts his hand, cupping Jesus' cheek and making sure the other man is looking him in the eyes. "I don't feel like you let me down. You came back even though you were scared, so stay and we can get past it together."
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
"More than okay. I missed you." It's only been a few days so that might seem like an odd statement, but it's not just that Jesus wasn't physically around -- they've gone far longer than that without seeing each other. No, Drake's pretty sure it was the not knowing if he'd ever stay over again. Having to tell himself he couldn't make plans or rely on Jesus being around, because even though he said it was just the contract breaking... well. It was more complicated than that for them both, obviously.
no subject
Not knowing if Drake would let him in the door had killed him. Not knowing if Drake would want to sign with him, not knowing if Drake would ever give him a second chance.
no subject
"I'm so glad you came back," he murmurs when they next break apart for air, still clutching Jesus to him. "Was this all a ruse to get me to tie you down again? All you had to do was ask."
no subject
no subject
"Tempting," he admits, nuzzling back. "I'm kidding, though. You ever actually wanna go, you'll still do what's right for you?"
As relieved as he is that this wasn't it, he'd never try to force or guilt Jesus to stay.
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
no subject
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)