"I know you will. I came back because I trust you." He lays his head on Drake's shoulder and breathes in, breathes out. "I know this is hard on you, too. So what can I do right now to make it easier?"
It's not an easy question to answer. Drake is quiet for a moment, not wanting to rush and spit out the first thing he comes up with when he hasn't even unpacked why it's hard on him. Knowing it's reasonable for anyone to still be hurt and actually understanding his personal reasons are different parts of this. At least the lull that falls isn't tense -- snuggled this close Jesus can easily feel that Drake is relaxing further the longer they're sitting together.
"Do you get why?" he finally asks, voice low and carefully gentle. The last thing he wants is to sound accusatory, like he doesn't understand how Jesus is saying he felt or guilting him for not considering the feelings of the guy he was bolting from. That's not how getting scared works, and it's also not even really true. Jesus was worried about him when he left. If he'd been an uncaring jerk about it they wouldn't be talking about this right now in the first place, with a resigned contract in the kitchen.
Drake shifts just enough to press a kiss to Jesus' hair, choosing his words carefully. He's genuinely not angry, but figuring out how to move past this together still feels like a bit of a minefield.
"Nobody's ever come back. And a lot of that's probably 'cuz I couldn't let anyone in for real back home, or be the kind of partner I wanted to be, but there was always this part of me believing it went deeper than that. I wasn't ever gonna be good enough so nobody would want to stay. Obviously that's not true... neither's that only one person ever could, but I think I still hung a lot on you seeming to after I lost him."
Drake does his best to keep from tensing up at that question because Jesus will be able to feel it, but his jaw clenches anyway and he leans into the contact as he tries to relax again. No. Or more accurately, he thinks it in that rational way that doesn't get him all the way to feeling it. And even though he can tell that Jesus is being honest right now...
"I think you have plenty of better options," he answers quietly, "and it's probably gonna take me awhile to get back to not worrying you're gonna decide to go with one of them. Even though I believe you."
Well it's not like Drake is going to complain about a kiss, but a little furrow appears in his brow at what Jesus says next.
"You don't have to keep apologizing, you know. Remember when I said now and then somebody hits a button? It's not on you that the button exists... that doubt was always there from a lifetime of me not being enough for anybody. You being you meant I could ignore it, and you apologized for leaving already." He lifts his hand, cupping Jesus' cheek and making sure the other man is looking him in the eyes. "I don't feel like you let me down. You came back even though you were scared, so stay and we can get past it together."
"Then it's gonna be awhile before I stop reminding you how much more you've done to help than hurt me," Drake tells him, fond but firm. "It's okay, Paul. I just wanted to make sure we understood each other... 'cuz these issues don't mix well. Doesn't mean we can't exist with them, as long as we know."
That's another thing Drake is never going to argue with. He nods, then leans closer to press their foreheads together, his thumb stroking over Jesus' cheek.
"More than okay. I missed you." It's only been a few days so that might seem like an odd statement, but it's not just that Jesus wasn't physically around -- they've gone far longer than that without seeing each other. No, Drake's pretty sure it was the not knowing if he'd ever stay over again. Having to tell himself he couldn't make plans or rely on Jesus being around, because even though he said it was just the contract breaking... well. It was more complicated than that for them both, obviously.
He kisses him again, allowing himself to just feel desperate in it, pulling Drake to him. "I missed you too," he breathes, and kisses him again, deeper.
Not knowing if Drake would let him in the door had killed him. Not knowing if Drake would want to sign with him, not knowing if Drake would ever give him a second chance.
There was a lot of uncertainty on both sides, and Drake was fully expecting some to linger for awhile even after the contract is processed (which he's definitely doing now that they've talked through it) but the way Jesus is kissing him now is more reassuring than anything. Because he can feel the desperation, the certainty, the need to convince him that it was a mistake. He can feel Jesus' guilt and fear in this, and all Drake can do is try to soothe him by responding in kind.
"I'm so glad you came back," he murmurs when they next break apart for air, still clutching Jesus to him. "Was this all a ruse to get me to tie you down again? All you had to do was ask."
Hey now, no fair using that voice when he was just trying to lighten the mood... it does earn him a soft laugh, though, and Drake certainly isn't pushing him away.
"Tempting," he admits, nuzzling back. "I'm kidding, though. You ever actually wanna go, you'll still do what's right for you?"
As relieved as he is that this wasn't it, he'd never try to force or guilt Jesus to stay.
"I will. I promise." He looks at Drake, and needs him to promise the same. "If you ever don't want the contract, if you ever change your mind about me, it's okay, too. I want you to do what's right for you, too."
"Anything? Babe, I wasn't thinking any further than this." He gives Jesus a tighter squeeze for a moment, then lets himself relax back against the couch cushions. "One decision at a time... are we cooking, or ordering in? 'Cuz you're staying right here."
"Hanging..? What, like a koala?" Drake grins, finally feeling like the tension in him has released. It's been there for days and he hadn't realized just how much he was holding in his shoulders. "I'd be cool with that sans fire, though."
"Don't underestimate me," he teases, sliding an arm around Drake's waist like he might just hang off of him now. He orders them something easy, just pizza. "Want beer with it?"
"I don't have to estimate anything, I know how much you weigh." Not enough to feel like a burden draped over his back, that's for sure, but he's also in no rush to get off the couch and un-snuggled, so. Drake just answers the question. "There's plenty of beer in the fridge. You ordering from somewhere that's got desserts?"
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"Do you get why?" he finally asks, voice low and carefully gentle. The last thing he wants is to sound accusatory, like he doesn't understand how Jesus is saying he felt or guilting him for not considering the feelings of the guy he was bolting from. That's not how getting scared works, and it's also not even really true. Jesus was worried about him when he left. If he'd been an uncaring jerk about it they wouldn't be talking about this right now in the first place, with a resigned contract in the kitchen.
Drake shifts just enough to press a kiss to Jesus' hair, choosing his words carefully. He's genuinely not angry, but figuring out how to move past this together still feels like a bit of a minefield.
"Nobody's ever come back. And a lot of that's probably 'cuz I couldn't let anyone in for real back home, or be the kind of partner I wanted to be, but there was always this part of me believing it went deeper than that. I wasn't ever gonna be good enough so nobody would want to stay. Obviously that's not true... neither's that only one person ever could, but I think I still hung a lot on you seeming to after I lost him."
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"You don't think you're worth coming back to, do you? But you are. And this is where I want to be. Do you understand that?"
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"I think you have plenty of better options," he answers quietly, "and it's probably gonna take me awhile to get back to not worrying you're gonna decide to go with one of them. Even though I believe you."
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"You don't have to keep apologizing, you know. Remember when I said now and then somebody hits a button? It's not on you that the button exists... that doubt was always there from a lifetime of me not being enough for anybody. You being you meant I could ignore it, and you apologized for leaving already." He lifts his hand, cupping Jesus' cheek and making sure the other man is looking him in the eyes. "I don't feel like you let me down. You came back even though you were scared, so stay and we can get past it together."
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"More than okay. I missed you." It's only been a few days so that might seem like an odd statement, but it's not just that Jesus wasn't physically around -- they've gone far longer than that without seeing each other. No, Drake's pretty sure it was the not knowing if he'd ever stay over again. Having to tell himself he couldn't make plans or rely on Jesus being around, because even though he said it was just the contract breaking... well. It was more complicated than that for them both, obviously.
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Not knowing if Drake would let him in the door had killed him. Not knowing if Drake would want to sign with him, not knowing if Drake would ever give him a second chance.
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"I'm so glad you came back," he murmurs when they next break apart for air, still clutching Jesus to him. "Was this all a ruse to get me to tie you down again? All you had to do was ask."
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"Tempting," he admits, nuzzling back. "I'm kidding, though. You ever actually wanna go, you'll still do what's right for you?"
As relieved as he is that this wasn't it, he'd never try to force or guilt Jesus to stay.
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