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[braveoff]

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[hippie_ninja]

He likes this: being welcomed over, being greeted with the comfort of a hand rubbing slow circles on his back.

"John's in the zoo. Something I did set him off, and I don't know how to make it right." He doesn't know if it's even possible.

[braveoff]

There's a beat of thoughtful silence where the only sound is Drake's hand on Jesus' shirt... and then he murmurs, "You're gonna have to explain to me how that one's on you, 'cuz I'm clearly missing something."

It's not as if he's doubting Jesus, this is just news to him.

[hippie_ninja]

"It isn't exactly my fault. I don't take responsibility for other people's choices, and he chose to do what he did. But I hurt him."

He sighs again and straightens out, still holding onto Drake, still letting himself be held, but at a more comfortable place to talk.

"We've been friends almost since I got here. We have a lot in common and we started sleeping together and there's...maybe more there now than either of us intended for there to be. We bonded, at first, over how bad we are at being in relationships. But now I think he wants more from me. He won't come out and say it, but..." But it's there.

"It's hard not to get too attached to people here, you know? When I first got here I planned on meeting quota with anonymous sex only. And now I have you, and Vrenille and K and John. And now I'm hurting him."

[braveoff]

So if Drake's understanding this right, Jesus thinks John was hurt because the younger man wanted something he didn't give? That doesn't really track, because if they're not communicating then it could be something he'd be willing to give once it was mentioned.

"Okay, two things. First, what's wrong with getting attached to people? And second, I don't think you'd be saying that unless you had some idea of what might have upset him. You can tell me."

[hippie_ninja]

"There's a lot of pain in attachment." But it's more than that. It isn't just a fear of getting close, it's not knowing how to do it in the first place. But that's a different story, another concern.

"I think he wants a boyfriend. How does anyone do that here? Even if I knew that--I'm not... It's not me."

[braveoff]

...is there? Pain in attachment? The only interpretation he's got for that is that you open yourself up to being hurt, but Jesus doesn't seem to have that rule with his friends. Sometimes Drake wonders if the other man believes platonic and romantic love should feel completely different from one another, like fire and ice, and so he just thinks he's never felt the latter. Hmm.

"I don't know exactly what you mean by that," Drake says carefully, "and by that I don't just mean how you've had attachment hurt, I could use a definition of boyfriend, too. Need to know what you're asking about before I can think about answering."

[hippie_ninja]

"A boyfriend," he says, and realizes maybe the definition isn't just understood. "Someone you share everything with, someone you place above all the others."

[braveoff]

Drake blinks, then his lips quirk into a half-smile that's more bewildered than amused.

"That's an incredibly strict definition. Even if we use a different word than boyfriend I don't think that's how everybody feels about romantic partners."

[hippie_ninja]

He shakes his head. "That's the backbone of it, though, isn't it? How do you define it?"

[braveoff]

"Someone you share your life with, sure, but not necessarily everything? I don't know if the 'above all else' is true for everyone either. Partnerships are more complicated than that but sharing things and valuing each other are the backbone of all relationships. Could you say that about anybody you've ever known?"

[hippie_ninja]

"No," he says, doesn't have to think hard about it. He's thought about it before. "Not unless it was during a war."

[braveoff]

That's exactly the answer Drake expected, and he gives Jesus' shoulder a little squeeze as he says it.

"Doesn't that make you think it's pretty extreme to expect from a relationship? Even if you're romantically involved with them? That kinda priority takes... a lot of something. Time, devotion, trauma bonding. It depends. Just because they're not always 0 to 60 doesn't mean your connections aren't still real or important."

[hippie_ninja]

It's clear the way Jesus takes that in that he hadn't considered that.

"Have I been diminishing my relationships here?" Because they aren't trauma forged. "I have been, haven't I?"

[braveoff]

"I can't answer that for you, babe. But just because somebody's not there yet doesn't mean they never will be? There's probably a triangle of expectations to consider where you've just never checked out the other combinations."

That's actually helpful for Drake now that he's said it, so he keeps going with that thought.

"You've heard that, right? With construction things can be any combo of good, cheap, and fast, but you can only pick two. So this is like... fast, deep, healthy, maybe?"

[hippie_ninja]

"I've heard of it, I've just never thought about it relating to men." He's smiling, amused but thoughtful. "What would you say our relationship is from your side?"

[braveoff]

"I bet I could relate it to most things, if you gave me time to think about it." His own smile is broad and warm, faltering slightly with uncertainty at Jesus' question for a moment before he seems to recover.

It's not that he doesn't have an answer, it's that he worries Jesus might not like it.

"Can't be sure we have the same standards for fast or deep? But I think it's pretty healthy."

[hippie_ninja]

"Every relationship I've had here has been fast, thanks partly to quota." Maybe that's part of his hesitance, or maybe it just makes it easier to dive in without thinking. He's not sure yet. Everything happens so fast.

"But yeah. I think we're pretty healthy."

[braveoff]

"We're not talking about the physical side of it right now, are we? I wasn't... though I wouldn't say you and I rushed that. That triangle's probably hot instead of deep."

[hippie_ninja]

His grin turns mischievous and he kisses Drake, slow. "I dunno. You get pretty deep in me."

[braveoff]

Drake laughs softly against Jesus' lips before kissing back, then again at the comment that he realized he set up perfectly the moment he heard it out loud. Of course he's not disappointed.

"Knew that was coming. I'll compromise and say it's on both, and one's way more literal?" He reaches up and tugs on Jesus' beard like he does whenever he's playfully scolding. "My point's just to give yourself a chance. Maybe think less about the labels, and things needing to be all or nothing? You don't even know if he's using your framework, just that you think you hurt him 'cuz of it... and you haven't explained that part yet."

[hippie_ninja]

He still has his hand on Drake's side. He'd playfully run it up and along his ribs but he pauses. "Haven't explained to him, or to you?"

[braveoff]

"I meant me, but obviously you don't have to. Just remember I'm here if you need a sounding board," he tells Jesus, hoping to take the pressure off. It's none of his business, but he does genuinely want to help if he can.

[hippie_ninja]

"What's the question exactly?" He finds he needs the question to be precise, to cut through all the turmoil that usually clouds his thinking around relationships.

[braveoff]

They can go one step at a time. Drake drapes his arm back around Jesus, taking a moment to recall the exact words the other man used so he can be specific for him.

"You said you hurt him, like you were sure of that. Then made it sound like it was because he wants more from you. What is it you think he wants, and why's that bad?"

[hippie_ninja]

"He told me how multiple partners are a bit of a joke around here. That you'll always love one partner more than the others, that one will be more important. For him, he's already had that--but the other guy left. I can't be that for him. For anyone, yet, maybe ever. I've never been able to do it before." He frowns, gathers his thoughts.

"I'm most comfortable being the third wheel. Not being 'the one'. Running support instead, does that make sense?"