"Someone you share your life with, sure, but not necessarily everything? I don't know if the 'above all else' is true for everyone either. Partnerships are more complicated than that but sharing things and valuing each other are the backbone of all relationships. Could you say that about anybody you've ever known?"
That's exactly the answer Drake expected, and he gives Jesus' shoulder a little squeeze as he says it.
"Doesn't that make you think it's pretty extreme to expect from a relationship? Even if you're romantically involved with them? That kinda priority takes... a lot of something. Time, devotion, trauma bonding. It depends. Just because they're not always 0 to 60 doesn't mean your connections aren't still real or important."
"I can't answer that for you, babe. But just because somebody's not there yet doesn't mean they never will be? There's probably a triangle of expectations to consider where you've just never checked out the other combinations."
That's actually helpful for Drake now that he's said it, so he keeps going with that thought.
"You've heard that, right? With construction things can be any combo of good, cheap, and fast, but you can only pick two. So this is like... fast, deep, healthy, maybe?"
"I've heard of it, I've just never thought about it relating to men." He's smiling, amused but thoughtful. "What would you say our relationship is from your side?"
"I bet I could relate it to most things, if you gave me time to think about it." His own smile is broad and warm, faltering slightly with uncertainty at Jesus' question for a moment before he seems to recover.
It's not that he doesn't have an answer, it's that he worries Jesus might not like it.
"Can't be sure we have the same standards for fast or deep? But I think it's pretty healthy."
"Every relationship I've had here has been fast, thanks partly to quota." Maybe that's part of his hesitance, or maybe it just makes it easier to dive in without thinking. He's not sure yet. Everything happens so fast.
"We're not talking about the physical side of it right now, are we? I wasn't... though I wouldn't say you and I rushed that. That triangle's probably hot instead of deep."
Drake laughs softly against Jesus' lips before kissing back, then again at the comment that he realized he set up perfectly the moment he heard it out loud. Of course he's not disappointed.
"Knew that was coming. I'll compromise and say it's on both, and one's way more literal?" He reaches up and tugs on Jesus' beard like he does whenever he's playfully scolding. "My point's just to give yourself a chance. Maybe think less about the labels, and things needing to be all or nothing? You don't even know if he's using your framework, just that you think you hurt him 'cuz of it... and you haven't explained that part yet."
"I meant me, but obviously you don't have to. Just remember I'm here if you need a sounding board," he tells Jesus, hoping to take the pressure off. It's none of his business, but he does genuinely want to help if he can.
"What's the question exactly?" He finds he needs the question to be precise, to cut through all the turmoil that usually clouds his thinking around relationships.
They can go one step at a time. Drake drapes his arm back around Jesus, taking a moment to recall the exact words the other man used so he can be specific for him.
"You said you hurt him, like you were sure of that. Then made it sound like it was because he wants more from you. What is it you think he wants, and why's that bad?"
"He told me how multiple partners are a bit of a joke around here. That you'll always love one partner more than the others, that one will be more important. For him, he's already had that--but the other guy left. I can't be that for him. For anyone, yet, maybe ever. I've never been able to do it before." He frowns, gathers his thoughts.
"I'm most comfortable being the third wheel. Not being 'the one'. Running support instead, does that make sense?"
The only problem with Jesus' answer is that it gives Drake several more questions, and he can't ask them all at once. He has to prioritize, organize them so that it makes sense to go from one to the next. So again he takes a moment to process, humming thoughtfully.
"Are you really sure he's asking to be your one? 'Cuz I won't say he's wrong for using the word 'more' if that's how he experiences love, but I don't know if it's necessarily a bad thing like you're making it sound." He's rubbing Jesus' back again, as if trying to get ahead of the distress his questions might cause. Since it's about to become clear that first one isn't something Jesus has to answer. "I don't think you can really know unless you talk to him. But from there... there's a first time for everything, so what I'd ask is if you want to ever get outta that comfort zone? You said there's pain in getting attached, but you don't seem afraid of it making friends. What's so different?"
"I don't know. Yes? I mean- I don't want to be stagnant. I don't want to just be the same as I've always been with partners." But it's frustrating knowing that what he's always done kept him alive, kept him strong enough to still care when everyone else around him broke.
How do you explain that, though?
"Friends are different than a boyfriend, aren't they?"
"Are you the same, though? Were you even the same with all of them? Nobody's exactly who they were a decade ago and your partners now aren't anyone you've been with before." It's sort of an existential question, and another thing Drake doesn't expect or need Jesus to answer immediately... just to think about.
Whether boyfriends are different from friends, though? He huffs softly.
"I'd say yeah, but that venn diagram needs one circle inside the other for me. If my partner's not my friend something's really weird about that picture."
"I've been close to friends than I ever was to the boyfriends I had in the old world. I wonder if I even can get close to someone without something life threatening starting it. And then I look at everyone in friends with here and... I don't know. Maybe I can."
The fact that Jesus is snuggling closer has Drake willing to go a little farther out on that limb, ignoring the worry that he'll push too far in favor of maybe actually helping.
"Do you think you might've been doing that on purpose? Thinking that a boyfriend had to feel different, had to be everything, and when they never seemed to you went for guys you knew you wouldn't get attached to? You said you were gonna just do hookups here... so that you didn't hurt anyone, sure, but maybe you're doubting being able to fall for anybody because you were always trying to keep from getting hurt? Especially in a world where anybody could be gone the next day."
A hesitation, then more softly:
"I think you can. I think you care about people more than anybody I've ever met, and this doubt's a side effect of trying to protect yourself. And it's kept you from giving yourself a chance."
Maybe he's projecting a little. That's possible. But it just seems... like a different monster grown from the same bones. It looks different, it might actually be different. Or maybe underneath is the same fear. The same pain.
If he is projecting, he's close enough to Jesus's experience that it's sinking in. He's calmer now than he was, despite something wary stirring deep inside him.
"I don't hate being alone. Sometimes I prefer it. Sometimes I just need to be away, and that's... Very hard on a relationship." He doesn't mean just physically being alone.
"But you're right. I'm not the same person I was then and I'm not sure I could be even if I tried. Even if I wanted to be." Which he doesn't. "I'm choosing men to get close to who aren't like the ones I had before, too. You're all healthier."
Except maybe John, who is so much like Jesus is in the worst ways.
Drake hums his understanding before going quiet for a longer stretch this time, his hand stroking evenly up and down Jesus' back. It's a comfortable silence. One that doesn't feel like it needs to be filled, like there's a pressure to do so or things will go awry. But eventually he does speak again, something in his tone almost self deprecatingly amused.
"You know... it's not really up to us whether or not people think we're worth being with? It's gotta be mutual for that to turn into something, yeah, but like. Saying 'I do this and it's hard on relationships' doesn't mean somebody can't go 'okay, thanks for warning me' and decide it's worth having one with you anyway? Friends, partners, fuckbuddies, you're informing and they're consenting. Then it's up to you whether or not you're gonna push that person away."
Jesus is smart enough not to miss that although they've never had this conversation laying it out, Drake is discussing a thing that's happened between them in reverse. He'd told the other man you didn't sign up for this, I'm a mess, you don't have to stay with me. And when Jesus said I want to stay... letting him was terrifying. But now they're here, and Drake's grateful for it.
Everything that happens between two people takes both of them, Jesus.
Well, he isn't bolting up to leap off the balcony, so Drake figures that wasn't too far after all. They fall into another comfortable silence, and when Jesus pulls back to look at him Drake eases his grip and lets him.
His smile at that admission is warm and fond.
"Sure isn't. A healthy relationship has boundaries, not..." he searches for a good simile, and after a moment his smile quirks towards a smirk. "Not blockades and caution tape?"
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"Doesn't that make you think it's pretty extreme to expect from a relationship? Even if you're romantically involved with them? That kinda priority takes... a lot of something. Time, devotion, trauma bonding. It depends. Just because they're not always 0 to 60 doesn't mean your connections aren't still real or important."
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"Have I been diminishing my relationships here?" Because they aren't trauma forged. "I have been, haven't I?"
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That's actually helpful for Drake now that he's said it, so he keeps going with that thought.
"You've heard that, right? With construction things can be any combo of good, cheap, and fast, but you can only pick two. So this is like... fast, deep, healthy, maybe?"
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It's not that he doesn't have an answer, it's that he worries Jesus might not like it.
"Can't be sure we have the same standards for fast or deep? But I think it's pretty healthy."
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"But yeah. I think we're pretty healthy."
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"Knew that was coming. I'll compromise and say it's on both, and one's way more literal?" He reaches up and tugs on Jesus' beard like he does whenever he's playfully scolding. "My point's just to give yourself a chance. Maybe think less about the labels, and things needing to be all or nothing? You don't even know if he's using your framework, just that you think you hurt him 'cuz of it... and you haven't explained that part yet."
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"You said you hurt him, like you were sure of that. Then made it sound like it was because he wants more from you. What is it you think he wants, and why's that bad?"
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"I'm most comfortable being the third wheel. Not being 'the one'. Running support instead, does that make sense?"
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"Are you really sure he's asking to be your one? 'Cuz I won't say he's wrong for using the word 'more' if that's how he experiences love, but I don't know if it's necessarily a bad thing like you're making it sound." He's rubbing Jesus' back again, as if trying to get ahead of the distress his questions might cause. Since it's about to become clear that first one isn't something Jesus has to answer. "I don't think you can really know unless you talk to him. But from there... there's a first time for everything, so what I'd ask is if you want to ever get outta that comfort zone? You said there's pain in getting attached, but you don't seem afraid of it making friends. What's so different?"
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How do you explain that, though?
"Friends are different than a boyfriend, aren't they?"
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Whether boyfriends are different from friends, though? He huffs softly.
"I'd say yeah, but that venn diagram needs one circle inside the other for me. If my partner's not my friend something's really weird about that picture."
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"I've been close to friends than I ever was to the boyfriends I had in the old world. I wonder if I even can get close to someone without something life threatening starting it. And then I look at everyone in friends with here and... I don't know. Maybe I can."
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"Do you think you might've been doing that on purpose? Thinking that a boyfriend had to feel different, had to be everything, and when they never seemed to you went for guys you knew you wouldn't get attached to? You said you were gonna just do hookups here... so that you didn't hurt anyone, sure, but maybe you're doubting being able to fall for anybody because you were always trying to keep from getting hurt? Especially in a world where anybody could be gone the next day."
A hesitation, then more softly:
"I think you can. I think you care about people more than anybody I've ever met, and this doubt's a side effect of trying to protect yourself. And it's kept you from giving yourself a chance."
Maybe he's projecting a little. That's possible. But it just seems... like a different monster grown from the same bones. It looks different, it might actually be different. Or maybe underneath is the same fear. The same pain.
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"I don't hate being alone. Sometimes I prefer it. Sometimes I just need to be away, and that's... Very hard on a relationship." He doesn't mean just physically being alone.
"But you're right. I'm not the same person I was then and I'm not sure I could be even if I tried. Even if I wanted to be." Which he doesn't. "I'm choosing men to get close to who aren't like the ones I had before, too. You're all healthier."
Except maybe John, who is so much like Jesus is in the worst ways.
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"You know... it's not really up to us whether or not people think we're worth being with? It's gotta be mutual for that to turn into something, yeah, but like. Saying 'I do this and it's hard on relationships' doesn't mean somebody can't go 'okay, thanks for warning me' and decide it's worth having one with you anyway? Friends, partners, fuckbuddies, you're informing and they're consenting. Then it's up to you whether or not you're gonna push that person away."
Jesus is smart enough not to miss that although they've never had this conversation laying it out, Drake is discussing a thing that's happened between them in reverse. He'd told the other man you didn't sign up for this, I'm a mess, you don't have to stay with me. And when Jesus said I want to stay... letting him was terrifying. But now they're here, and Drake's grateful for it.
Everything that happens between two people takes both of them, Jesus.
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He doesn't say anything, just enjoys this, just lets himself think. Eventually he pulls back.
"I have been deciding for other people," he admits. "Choosing for them how close they could get to me. And that's not fair."
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His smile at that admission is warm and fond.
"Sure isn't. A healthy relationship has boundaries, not..." he searches for a good simile, and after a moment his smile quirks towards a smirk. "Not blockades and caution tape?"
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