[ At the point Carolina's message comes in, Ephemera is resting in his room and Drake is trying to keep his shit together back in the kitchen, ordering food and feeling like he's failing to keep his overinvestment on the dl. It surprises him -- not that she'd think to do him the courtesy, but that it comes so quickly. ]
Hey, it's not an easy thing. I didn't expect it to be one and done, hopefully in time he'll come to see you as allies like you wanted. He did before.
That's what I did... generally talked him down, went into the logic of murdering people who wouldn't stay dead, and showed him what it was like in the end the last time I knew you guys. How it could be. Even if this didn't go perfectly, part of him must've wanted that to agree to talk. It can get better.
You don't owe me anything for sticking my nose in, I'm just glad I could help. Are you guys okay?
Nothing some aggressive repression won't fix. We're okay, but thank you for asking.
I know that today went pretty much as well as it could have. It could have been a lot worse. I just never want him to think I'm just paying lip service or trying to insult him and I don't know how to make him understand that. I got frustrated. I'm sure you noticed.
Does repression usually work out for you? If you'd rather talk about it I'm a good sounding board.
I feel like you all did your best under the circumstances, Carolina. Give him some time, and cut yourself especially some slack. I'll keep working on him as much as he lets me but it has to come from him and that's not going to happen overnight.
Repression has kept me functional for years. Better not risk screwing it up.
And I know these sorts of things don't change overnight. He's got a lot of valid reasons to be pissed off and I know I should just be happy that he's not planning to kill us. I am grateful for that.
I don't know how much you knew from the other Freelancers or when that version of me came from, but I can start rounding it up to two years since I last saw Ephemera on Chorus. We killed him because he didn't give us another choice and we needed to go. It was so long ago and something I never thought I would have to think about again. I have the benefit of so much time and all it's done is make me angry that others don't.
[ so much for repressing everything. it's not much, no, but it's one of the most honest, revealing messages she's written in a long time, certainly since she arrived here. it's a gesture of trust, too. he must have his own complicated relationship with time right now. ]
I'm actually not sure when you were from -- farther than anyone else, but I've got no idea how far.
[ He already knew that Ephemera was dead back home, in his future. But that hadn't meant much in Hadriel, Drake himself was dead at home too. They were still going to go back together. His second message takes a little longer to come in. ]
You've lost a lot of people you care about and had to make difficult choices in the aftermath. I can't say I know exactly what that's like, but I do know that the things you hope you never need to think about again tend to be the things that haunt you the most. You can't confront some parts of a problem head on and hide from other aspects of it. Especially when the part you're hiding from is how it makes you feel.
If you're trying to find something nice to do for me, you don't have to. Really.
And it's not like I'm trying to hide from how I feel. I know my past makes me angry and sad for my friends, more than anything else. I know we all signed up to fight aliens and half of us wound up killed by other PFL personnel. I'm just
[ writing and rewriting the response too many times leads to it sending prematurely, so there's a quick follow-up. ]
I'm angry. I know I said that already, but I am. And I'm sure you've had more than enough of people being angry about this so I'm sorry.
Don't give me that much credit, I want something to offer to bring so I can invite myself over at some point. Not right now. But soon, maybe?
It's okay. I know anger real well, and I knew it was gonna be involved for everybody. It's just part of grief... and pardon my saying it but this whole thing is really not fair, either. To think you're doing something good, the right thing, and it goes wrong? Okay. But then it biting you in the ass for so long is insult to injury. I'm sorry.
Give me a day or two first but bring whatever you want. I'm not that picky.
Trust me, though. I know it isn't fair. But I screwed up by never questioning PFL and no universe is ever going to let me forget it. Poetic justice or something like that. Wash is all I've got left so as long as I can keep him safe, I just have to suck it up.
That's not poetic or justice, to me -- you ever heard of double jeopardy? You can't try someone for the same crime over and over again. The universe needs to cut you some slack.
But I really am glad you still have Wash. I'm sure he's watching your back, too.
He distanced himself from what we did and then I dragged him into digging up the past, years ago. Never gave him an option. It's gotten him hurt, almost gotten him killed. Sticking with the others might have too, but I can't help but worry I'm a magnet for trouble he doesn't deserve.
I'm sure you're still a leader, but you don't have to treat that like being his superior, or CO, or whatever you guys call it in your time. You're not anymore. Maybe it has to shift to be more equal.
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Hey, it's not an easy thing. I didn't expect it to be one and done, hopefully in time he'll come to see you as allies like you wanted. He did before.
That's what I did... generally talked him down, went into the logic of murdering people who wouldn't stay dead, and showed him what it was like in the end the last time I knew you guys. How it could be. Even if this didn't go perfectly, part of him must've wanted that to agree to talk. It can get better.
You don't owe me anything for sticking my nose in, I'm just glad I could help. Are you guys okay?
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I know that today went pretty much as well as it could have. It could have been a lot worse. I just never want him to think I'm just paying lip service or trying to insult him and I don't know how to make him understand that. I got frustrated. I'm sure you noticed.
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I feel like you all did your best under the circumstances, Carolina. Give him some time, and cut yourself especially some slack. I'll keep working on him as much as he lets me but it has to come from him and that's not going to happen overnight.
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And I know these sorts of things don't change overnight. He's got a lot of valid reasons to be pissed off and I know I should just be happy that he's not planning to kill us. I am grateful for that.
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If it means anything it wasn't easy for me to watch that, either, knowing that you guys were okay where I came from.
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I don't know how much you knew from the other Freelancers or when that version of me came from, but I can start rounding it up to two years since I last saw Ephemera on Chorus. We killed him because he didn't give us another choice and we needed to go. It was so long ago and something I never thought I would have to think about again. I have the benefit of so much time and all it's done is make me angry that others don't.
[ so much for repressing everything. it's not much, no, but it's one of the most honest, revealing messages she's written in a long time, certainly since she arrived here. it's a gesture of trust, too. he must have his own complicated relationship with time right now. ]
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[ He already knew that Ephemera was dead back home, in his future. But that hadn't meant much in Hadriel, Drake himself was dead at home too. They were still going to go back together. His second message takes a little longer to come in. ]
You've lost a lot of people you care about and had to make difficult choices in the aftermath. I can't say I know exactly what that's like, but I do know that the things you hope you never need to think about again tend to be the things that haunt you the most. You can't confront some parts of a problem head on and hide from other aspects of it. Especially when the part you're hiding from is how it makes you feel.
What's your favorite food?
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And it's not like I'm trying to hide from how I feel. I know my past makes me angry and sad for my friends, more than anything else. I know we all signed up to fight aliens and half of us wound up killed by other PFL personnel. I'm just
[ writing and rewriting the response too many times leads to it sending prematurely, so there's a quick follow-up. ]
I'm angry. I know I said that already, but I am. And I'm sure you've had more than enough of people being angry about this so I'm sorry.
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It's okay. I know anger real well, and I knew it was gonna be involved for everybody. It's just part of grief... and pardon my saying it but this whole thing is really not fair, either. To think you're doing something good, the right thing, and it goes wrong? Okay. But then it biting you in the ass for so long is insult to injury. I'm sorry.
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Trust me, though. I know it isn't fair. But I screwed up by never questioning PFL and no universe is ever going to let me forget it. Poetic justice or something like that. Wash is all I've got left so as long as I can keep him safe, I just have to suck it up.
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That's not poetic or justice, to me -- you ever heard of double jeopardy? You can't try someone for the same crime over and over again. The universe needs to cut you some slack.
But I really am glad you still have Wash. I'm sure he's watching your back, too.
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And Wash is definitely watching my back. He won't let me handle these things alone. Never figured out if that was a good or bad thing for him.
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What do you mean, if that's good or bad for him?
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It's gotten him hurt, almost gotten him killed. Sticking with the others might have too, but I can't help but worry I'm a magnet for trouble he doesn't deserve.
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Trust him to decide what he's willing to deal with.
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[ he doesn't have a chance to respond before the follow-up message comes: ]
It's entirely possible I've just never been great at having friends. That would probably explain a lot.
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I'm sure you're still a leader, but you don't have to treat that like being his superior, or CO, or whatever you guys call it in your time. You're not anymore. Maybe it has to shift to be more equal.
Now I'm gonna say:
Yes, I was describing becoming friends.
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Right. I guess that's something I need to work on.
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This is your last chance to tell me your favorite food or I'm guessing.
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